I have spent the last several days pondering the holiday season – especially Christmas and its meaning for me and for all of us. The underlying theme of the season is love. People give gifts to one another and are generally more charitable. This is a type of love that makes us feel good, but what type of love are we talking about?
Our English word, love, is really not a great word to describe all of the nuances of the emotions, feelings and actions that can be called love. In the Greek language, for example, they have eight words for love. We have to use qualifiers in English to describe these many aspects of love, such as romantic love, brotherly love, and unconditional love. During the holidays the type of love that a lot of us espress and feel the most is “storge” in Greek, which is love of our family. When having fellowship with friends it is “phileo” we express. And when being charitable to the needy and unfortunate among us, it is “agape.”
This website and business, Simple I Do’s, is all about weddings and romantic love. The Greeks call that love “eros.” Our word erotic is derived from that root word. Most of these days we associate erotic with something akin to pornagraphy, but that is not its root meaning. Romance and sexual love are beautiful, necessary, and fulfilling. The desire for sexual fulfillment is what creates the initial drive for couples to get married in the first place. Sex in marriage is the most fulfilling and gratifying sex anyone can have. And the reason for that is because all of the other types of love are involved but most importantly, there is an added ingredient, commitment. Without the other loves underlying it – with the added security of commitment, sex becomes solely lust for pleasure and an animalistic act that leaves one emotionally and spiritually unfulfilled.
In August of this year, Melanie and I celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary. We took a long vacation in Florida and the Bahamas to celebrate just before Christmas. We meet many couples in our lives and professions who have broken families. As I pondered the theme of love this Christmas, I asked myself, “What type of love has held us together for 40 years when many other couples we know end in divorce?” The answer is all of them. Eros will only hold you together for a little while. I’m happy to say that it remains steady in our marriage, but it is not the glue of a successful relationship. Phileo, or friendship, is a key component of lasting relationships. You have to be good friends to one another. Storge, or love of family, seems like a given, but some people are strange and loving them is a challenge. Ludos, or courtship, is important too, because being able to play and enjoy life together makes for great memories to hold onto. Pragma, or duty, is there as well, because life is not easy, and often you just have to do what needs to be done for one another. And finally philautia, or love of your self, plays an important role. One cannot give love to another if they languish in self-loathing.
But most important of all is agape love. Unconditional love for your spouse. It does not mean that you accept bad behavior from them, but that as long as they are making the attempt to grow, you will never give up on them. It is a love they do not have to earn, because it eminates from your very being. This is the type of love that makes a relationship last for a lifetime.
So whether you have a destination elopement, a micro wedding, or a large formal affair, the feelings that you have in those moments will fade away. When they do, give yourself a love checkup. Ask whether you have cultivated these other loves into your life. If you have, then your relationship can go the distance.
40 years…
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